I’ve been experiencing a Wal-Mart phenomenon lately. Whenever I have gone into the store, after work in my scrubs, various individuals have asked me if I worked there and could help them out. I don’t know when the Wal-Mart employees began wearing medical work wear, but more power to them I guess. This whole phenomenon reminded me of a post I made to my former blog, so I decided to pull it over for all of my new readers to enjoy!
Originally posted 02/09/2012:
I spent some time yesterday evening and this morning getting things together for a new post. I was kind of back and forth on what I wanted to do, but then I went to Wal-Mart. Something happened there that I just had to write about.
People truly amaze me sometimes with their shear laziness. This is one of those stories.
This story doesn’t start in the store, but while I was walking out. As I was nearing my truck I saw this troll of a woman coming out from in front of my parking spot and walking back around her car. I was kind of suspicious at first because, well, i’m always suspicious of mythological creatures in random parking lots. Then I saw that she had just done something that was going to send me over the edge. That squatty, evil, portly image of a woman had taken her buggy all the way around her car just to leave it in front of my truck; I take this as a direct and purposeful action. When I looked and saw that she had actually left it up against my bumper it just sent me to fury mode nine.
“Dramatic Re-creation”
-Random side note: My spell check is trying to explain to me that Re-creation is not proper grammar, but dramatic recreation sounds like intense playground jargon to me. Screw you spell check! I’ll do what I please!
Let me just explain something real quick. The cart return was exactly ONE more spot over! Are you so lazy that you can’t even walk those pudgy little legs even one more spot to leave your cart!? This is when it got a little nasty. ( I apologize in advance for the language, but I was hot!) When all of this finally clicked in my head I couldn’t just let her get back in her troll mobile¹ and leave. I turned to her and said, “ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!? DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST WALK ALL THE WAY AROUND YOUR CAR TO LEAVE THIS BUGGY UP AGAINST MY TRUCK? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!? THE RETURN IS THE NEXT SPOT OVER!! THAT’S PRETTY SHITTY!”
She didn’t say a word and I could see that she was about to try and skip out of this awkward situation and make a run for it. That wasn’t how this was going to end for me. I took the buggy and rolled it behind her car before she was able to leave. I even considered flipping it over for a second to see how her grubby little hands² handled that, but I just left it and got in my truck. There was a car parked in front of her, so she wasn’t able to pull straight through to leave. Either she would have to get out and move it, or back right over it. As I was leaving I could see her in a slimy huff yelling something in some undecipherable troll dialect, but I wasn’t planning on sticking around to find out what she was saying.
How lazy and inconsiderate can you truly be?? Some people can just make me so angry that I could start shooting lightning bolts out of my ass. It wasn’t just the fact that she didn’t return the cart, but the fact that she went out of her way to leave it parked up against my truck. Have a little respect Troll!
¹I imagine that her troll mobile would have consisted of various junk parts. Maybe a couple of garbage cans inside a blown-out rusty refrigerator with a rotten old lazy boy to drive from. Surely it would be pulled my a couple of emaciated oxen, or better yet some red-eyed alligators! Trolls are always getting traffic tickets though; I’m pretty sure alligators aren’t street legal.
²Grubby little hands was my reference from Randy Newman’s 1977 classic “Short People.” Oh, you don’t know it?? Well here it is!
No, this isn’t Randy Newman, but this version of the song is FANTASTIC!
I hope she’s still talking about ‘that asshole’ at walmart.
I would really love to have been able to hear her side of this whole incident!
This story conjured up so many amusing images in my head! Haha, it’s great that you handled it like you did.. I can imagine I’d have been too lost for words…
Great post!
I’m glad I was able to fill your head with twisted images based on how much I loathe the lazy! Haha!
Thank you! I hate Walmart and a large part of that hatred is directed at their parking lot. No matter what the holiday or time, their parking lot is always packed. Visiting their cramped stores is like experiencing every post apocalyptic undead nightmare you could imagine isolated to a tiny parking lot, where you are guaranteed to get bitten by the brainless swarm of minions constantly streaming through their stores. To top it all off, I would go with my disabled father in search of a handicapped spot and could never find one. It’s as if the entire population of Walmart is on state disability. Is the food laced with polio? Does Tanya Harding serve as the surrogate celebrity greeter for all facilities nationwide? I hate you Walmart!
Down in south Mississippi Wal-Mart is on a whole other level. I go as far out of my way as I can to avoid that terrarium of classless white trash cretins. Your disdain is not lost on lost on this guy! As for the handicapped spots, i’m pretty sure lazy is an official diagnosis for receiving your tag down here. I can’t tell you how angry it makes me to see someone park in a handicapped spot and then pop out and skip to the front door while screaming on a iPhone…. yeah, I really hate that place!